Boo's Tattoos and Other Stories

The past just bit me on the ass...

It never seems to matter how much you have on your plate, it just keeps getting piled on.

This is a tough one to keep brief. But I need to get it off my chest.

One of my brothers is an addict. Right now, a recovering addict. My Mom called this evening to tell me he's been arrested. This happened at his girlfriend's house, and of course, she doesn't know very much about his past.

Here's a wee bit of history. He was charged in an accident that happened about 15 years ago. At the time he was using drugs quite heavily but seemed to be keeping his life together. At least it appeared that way. He was to pay a $2000 fine and do community service. Well, as this progressed, he got so heavily into drugs that he was borrowing money from everyone he could find to "pay the fine" - which never got paid. Follow?

He's burned every bridge he's ever had. Four, maybe five, years later, he got picked up by the police because there was a warrant issued for non-payment. At that time, I was going through my own hell. I was unable to work, hardly able to leave the house, and very fragile. He'd been around to see me, introduce friends, and was always on the verge of money, or a job, or whatever, can I have $20 for smokes, I'll pay you back Friday. He was into everyone for thousands because we were always trying to get him back on his feet.

Well, my phone rang, it was him, in jail, crying, telling me I need to bring $2000 to get him out. I didn't have two dimes to rub together. So he had to serve 30 days (or 60, I don't remember). He was terrified, saying that there were guys in the general population that he'd ripped off that were going to kill him - he spent the time in protective custody. My friend and I went to his place to get some of his stuff because he and his room mate were getting evicted and he'd have lost everything. His everything was a pile of boxes and garbage bags, with everything from dirty dishes to family heirlooms. I can't even begin to describe it. We took what we could, what looked important or valuable, and discovered pawn slips, including one for a ring of my father's that he'd inherited. I paid to get that back from the pawnshop. He called, and begged, and lied, to the point where I had to stop taking his calls. I can't put into words what it felt like to say no to the charges hearing him say please take my call. All these years later, it still makes me cry.

Ten years have gone by now. In that time, he's been through rehab 4 times, been homeless, overdosed, back in jail. Imagine going through ten years of this - for him, its been hell and he's half-dead now because of it. For my family, he completely fragmented us.

My oldest brother hasn't spoken to him for I can't remember how long. That was partly due to his pawning a rifle that belonged to my Dad (sound familiar?). He gave it as collateral to my brother for a loan. My brother took it to be stored with our uncle. And he went to our uncle, lied to get it, saying he was going to the range, and pawned it instead. No one had any idea this had happened until one of my brother's friends saw the rifle for sale in the pawn shop. He had to buy it to get it back.

Three years ago, after more episodes than I can count (picking him up in an ice storm and taking him to the hospital because he said he was suicidal, calling police, hospitals and morgues trying to find him, visiting him in rehab, middle of the night come-get-me calls because someone was 'trying to kill him' - which was paranoid delusions from overdosing, dropping off money and clothes to the homeless shelter for him...) I got a call from a drug dealer, looking for me to pay my brother's debt. He'd lied and connived as usual, taken a bunch of people for a bunch of money and drugs, and then when they started wanting payment, he split. Only these were really bad people, and he'd told them all about his sister, lied again saying I was well off when I'd really just graduated university and didn't even have a job, and of course, let them all have my address and phone number. So I got threatened, and told not to call the police, asked "don't you want to help him?" when I couldn't have even if I'd wanted to. And at the time, we thought he was clean and working.

So that did it. I couldn't do it anymore. I told him never to contact me again, he didn't have a sister. He put my life on the line. He'd gone too far.

That was February, 2004. Since then we've moved, changed our number. He has no idea where to find me.

I've been feeling like maybe it was time to see him. He's been clean a long time, has a great girlfriend, and is doing all the right things (he talks to my Mom, she tells me). So we're back to the now, and all I can think is oh god not again. I don't know what any of this is about. It could be as simple as a fine not paid - but of course, he'd said that was all done with - court proceedings where we never really quite understood what was happening.

This is my big brother, who looked after me, looked out for me, and still talks about me all the time. His girlfriend is going to see him tomorrow when he appears in court, and depending on the reason for the warrant, will decide if she helps him, or walks away. And then I guess I'll do the same.

posted by Boo @ 7:28 PM